Where have I failed?

I have taken on a lot in the last year plus some. It is what I feel is my daughterly duty, my due diligence. I've made decisions that I and my husband have felt is reasonable to all parties involved, taking great care in considering feelings, health, and emotions with all those we live with and have relationships with. 

Yesterday I sat, feeling despair, a lack of motivation, hopelessness, fear, anger, defeat, depression, fatigue, thinking that I just needed to give myself a day of rest. Sit and read and let the day roll on while the rest of my family buzzed around with their daily activities. Surely tomorrow will present itself better. I will be well-rested with this day just for myself. I will rise early, exercise, eat right, feel rejuvenated, go into work and do the task I've been putting off because I loathe it so much. Heck, I will even clean my scuzzy bathroom that I literally haven't cleaned in over a month. Okay, let's be honest...over two months.

After that I'll be so hyped from all my accomplishments I will take on a craft. I'll go to the DI and find a perfect ornament to transform into a perfect decoration for my home. Maybe I'll even prep a room in my home to repaint!

I woke early as planned, exercised, as planned, ate well and showered at a reasonable hour, dressed in work appropriate clothing, then sat. I worked on my computer. Ten o'clock rolled by, then eleven, and now 5:00 o'clock, and here I am, not a damn thing done, while I sit isolated in my bedroom, wondering why in the hell my mother hasn't gotten out of bed yet today. 

My mind reels. Where have I failed? I am trying to be this doting daughter to my mother who at this point acts as if life is not worth living. All I'm left are thoughts of anger, resentment, frustration and anxiety toward her.

I'm always asked by her peers, my peers, members of my ward, "How's it going with your mom?" You know what? I hate this question. I despise hearing it over and over. Because I know what they want to hear. They want to hear that she's thriving, that she's such a joy to have in my home. That I didn't know how I ever lived without her. The real, raw truth of it all is, she's not doing well, and it's not "going," but the look on people's face when I divulge this information turns drastically from optimistic and light-hearted, to a look like they just were told they were disgusting and unpopular. So my go-to answer is, "it's challenging, but we're making it work." which is a partial lie. Yes, it is challenging, not like a hard math problem challenging, but my kids and marriage are struggling, challenging. And even though I say we're making it work, what I mean is, we're still alive and breathing.

I listened to a podcast recently called Disrupt Yourself, by Whitney Johnson. The episode was called Stepping Back and Showing Up with Liz O'Donnell. Liz talked about caring for her aging parents while working a full-time job and being a wife and mother. She talked about the agonizing struggles she went through and highlighted that people don't talk about the struggles of caring for aging parents, like it's not a thing. Why aren't people talking about this???

I recall talking to a man I was interviewing for a job for and somehow started talking about my mother. At this time she hadn't moved in with us yet, but we were contemplating it. He explained to me that his father lived with him before he passed away and how amazing it was. He was actually the deciding factor at that time to get me onboard to have my mother come live with us. His words were: "it's challenging, but worth it." I would like to find this man and tell him how "worth it" it has been so far.

I am not going to sugar-coat this post by saying there's a silver lining, because I'm exhausted and I don't feel like seeing the good right now. I guess I could say that we have moments. They are far and in-between, but when they happen, they are sweet and it's what gets me through tough days (or weeks) like this.