It's not news to most that I have struggled with my mom living with us for the past 2+ years. With her declining health both physically and mentally, I try to remind myself that this semi-shell of a woman that takes up residence in my home used to be a loving, generous, and kind human being. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish to paint a picture of some demonic monster that sits and yells at my kids. She means well, but it shows that she has given up and would rather not be bothered by anyone or anything. Suggesting to her to call a friend or go outside for some fresh air is like telling her a funny joke. She scoffs and quickly changes the subject. She's become really good at this subject changing business.
I tell people who want to hear the long story all about the adventures of our home. How we cope with two obnoxious, barking dogs who practice hardly any manners at all. We can't discipline them because when our backs are turned, my mom is there to reverse it by enabling their bad habits. We try to keep my mom's hoarding under control but are not successful at it. She keeps her collections littered throughout the house and only then does she turn into a bit of a monster when she finds out we have moved or thrown out her collection of rubbish. Her room is loaded with piles of books, all the mail she's ever received, trinkets, and hidden treats that she knew if we "found out" she was eating it she would get in trouble. We can't quite figure out if we should move or (cringe) find her a nice apartment in an assisted living center where she'll definitely hate me because that means getting rid of her dogs or at least one of them.
In the past nine months, I decided to go back to school. In the last six months, I decided to make a career move and work a full-time job as a Marketing Manager for a mortgage company. It's been quite a hard transition for all of us. My house is messier, and the hoard piles are multiplying along with the hairballs drifting around my hard floors (cringe again). Since school got out, now my mom has turned from an aging senior to a tattle-tale senior. Guess what Tagg did today? or Guess how many times we watched iCarly today? or the neighborhood kids knock on the door too many times. Everything is awful or so-and-so is mean. In my mom's eyes, no one ever means well and is most likely out to get her. It can be extremely difficult and more times than I'd rather admit, I let it get to me.
Where can I find hope? When is this chaos going to end? Have I scarred my children? At the moments when I feel that I can't possibly go on, I find solace in reading my scriptures. Lucky for me I am taking a college course that also studies the Book of Mormon. Something profound hit me today as I sit here cramming to get a week's worth of homework completed before heading off on a family vacation for a week: Christ loves me. I am studying the gathering of Israel this week in my religion class and am moved by the facts that I am studying. I read in 3Nephi 19 how he commanded the people to pray after they were baptized and being ministered to by Jesus and the angels. At first, I thought it was weird that He would have them pray without ceasing; to pray, then to start in prayer again. Right after that Jesus taught them about the sacrament and then ministered the sacrament to the people. It hit me. Sometimes we need repetition to understand the importance of gospel principles.
Jesus helped the people understand that praying is extremely important to our salvation. He prayed multiple times Himself while teaching the multitude about prayer. I've been told hundreds of times to pray before starting my homework, before starting my day, before starting anything for that matter. Prayer changes things. Another principle I learned in my Sunday School class today was the phrase: "It mattereth not to me." I looked this up on lds.org to see how many times it shows up. It shows up quite a bit. The Lord wants us to follow Him. How we follow Him, it mattereth not to Him, as long as it is performed within the gospel.
Do I overthink things? Most definitely. I probably over-analyze and overthink every little detail of my every day. I have prayed a thousand times over what to do with my mother. His answer? It mattereth not as long as whatever choice you make is done while following His gospel. Does that mean He doesn't care? Not in the least. He cares so much about me, but when it comes down to it, where my mother lives is not the most important thing. That helps me have a better understanding of what matters most in this life. Worrying and caring for my mom? Oh for sure! But if it's turning my life upside down, then the decisions I make regarding my mother aren't damning as long as I am doing it out of love and following His gospel.
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